What mourners get wrong - Wanja Nyarari lists common protocol mistakes at funerals

Viral clips from Betty Bayo’s funeral have stirred social media discussion on how mourners behave at high-profile send-offs.

At the centre of the conversation is protocol lead Wanja Nyarari, whose firm handling of seating arrangements became a talking point across social media.

In a lengthy statement, she attempted to explain what unfolded on the day and the broader frustrations protocol teams frequently deal with at funerals.

One of Wanja’s strongest concerns was the treatment of the immediate family. She said the viral confusion over seating was not simply a matter of crowded spaces, but a deeper disregard for those carrying the greatest grief.

According to her, the brothers of the deceased, their spouses and their children had no seats when they arrived.

“Your sister is dead in a coffin and you have no seat?” she asked, describing the moment as a painful show of misplaced priorities.

She argued that mourners sometimes forget the basic rule of funeral etiquette, family first.

“The very people carrying the deepest pain were left standing, pushed behind, ignored,” she said.

Wanja added that ushers had anticipated eventualities and had made arrangements for extra seats outside, but these had not been utilised early enough.

“Ushers are always prepared for people coming late, seats filling up, changes in protocol,” she said, adding that the quick solution they proposed needed the cooperation of the crowd.

Late arrival is one of the most common issues at funerals, according to Wanja. She suggested that many mourners underestimate how disruptive it can be when people walk in after the programme has begun.

Arriving long after key seating allocations have been made creates tension, forces protocol teams to move people around and often leads to quarrels between guests and ushers.

It also tends to disadvantage the bereaved family if mourners insist on sitting in front or occupying reserved spaces.

“When all the seats filled up and the brothers remained standing, we already had seats outside for latecomers,” she explained. “It was a quick, respectful solution.”

Wanja was firm about what she views as a growing culture of entitlement, especially at funerals involving public figures, celebrities or politicians.

“Who did you come to grieve with if not the family?” she posed. In her view, many people attend funerals to be seen rather than to mourn, leading to clashes over front-row seats, positioning near cameras or proximity to high-profile attendees.

She noted that this behaviour often sidelines the very people the funeral is meant to honour. Some mourners show up expecting VIP treatment regardless of their relationship with the deceased.

“If the immediate family has nowhere to sit, you are not mourning, you are showboating,” she said.

Wanja argued that the competition for visibility sometimes overshadows the seriousness of the moment.

“You can brew your own tea by lying to bloggers,” she wrote, suggesting that some mourners appear eager to shape narratives or be part of trending clips.

Beyond the seating drama, Wanja said there is a broader issue of disrespect displayed by some mourners. This includes challenging protocol teams, ignoring instructions, name-dropping, or trying to override plans put in place for the family’s comfort.

She pointed out that in this particular funeral, some people attempted to alter the sitting arrangements based on personal influence or assumptions.

“Don’t live a life of assumptions, the guilty ones are always afraid,” she said.

She also criticised claims made by those who publicly questioned the protocol team’s decisions. Addressing musician Ben Githae.

She emphasised that protocol teams have access to the entire layout, programme and movement of the day, and therefore operate with information that ordinary mourners may not have.