"What I can take in and what I can’t": The non-negotiables of Gen Z marriage

For generations, the life script was written in stone: go to school, get a job, get married, buy a house, and have kids. But if you walk into any Gen Z link-up or scroll through TikTok, you’ll quickly realize that the old script has been completely shredded.

Gen Z is arguably the most therapy-literate generation in history. We don’t just experience things; we analyze them.

Gen Z—the generation of soft living, mental health advocacy, and financial independence—is looking at the institution of marriage and asking a very loud, very necessary question: Is this deal actually beneficial to me?

We are not anti-love. If anything, we are obsessed with it. But we are deeply not in for nonsense.

Gen Z still believes in love, partnership, and having a "person." However, the traditional, patriarchal version of marriage where one person loses their identity? That’s a hard pass.

According to Innocent Kagwiria, a young mother: "I believe in marriage. It can be a beautiful experience if you have a partner who really wants things to work out without putting your career, work life, family life, or even your future at risk."

Innocent says that she is always open to the idea of marriage, but if it comes at the cost of having to make herself "small" for the survival of the union, then her tolerance levels wouldn’t stand that idea.

Innocent says that she is always open to the idea of marriage but if it comes with the cost of her having to make herself ‘’small’’ for the survival of the union, then her tolerance levels wouldn’t stand that idea.

She adds that there are also other underlying factors that influence someone’s attitude towards marriage.

"Trauma is a great deal breaker because most of the time one will tend to think that when they get married, they might land in the wrong hands in the future. So, one may opt to avoid getting married for their entire life."

On the other hand, Cusper Otieno’s idea is similar but slightly divergent from Kagwiria’s viewpoint.

"Yes, obviously, marriage is important for companionship; the world is a very cold and lonely place, hence everyone needs a special person to go through life with."

According to him, people should focus on working and developing together without setting up extreme "rules and conditions" such that if it doesn’t go your way, you opt out of the marriage.

According to Cusper, marriage requires patience and being open to the fact that your partner will offend you, requiring you to forgive them.

Innocent Kagwiria and Cusper Otieno are explicitly not in support of splitting bills on a 50-50 basis. However, they believe each party should actively participate within their jurisdiction. If it is the man, let him provide.

"A man must provide; the wife is a helper," Cusper says.

He goes ahead and cracks a joke: "Let the man provide; the last time women provided, we were all chased out of the Garden of Eden."

"The idea of 50/50 is not fair initially because of the toll of siring and taking care of children, and the fact that mothers spend most of their time with them, something a father might find difficult or burdensome. So, if we talk about 50/50, it means men should engage in child-rearing and house chores as well," Innocent says.’’

However, Innocent and Cusper speak in unison that a deal breaker for both would be a cheating partner.

Cusper, a young man who assumed responsibility as a family man while still on campus, says that once cheating is in the equation, there are definitely no second chances.

For Kagwiria, "Infidelity can really put one's marriage at risk because it opens the door for disrespect, irresponsibility, and other risky consequences such as contracting diseases."

They say that cheating can lead one into very dark pits, where one might contract HIV/AIDS and even end up infecting their partner.

When things escalate to this point, both Cusper and Kagwiria agree that it is a point of no return; the relationship is beyond repair.

"I think at this point trust is already broken, but if the spouses already have kids, they should choose to accept the situation, forgive each other, and bring up their children without being bitter parents," Kagwiria says.

However, there is no "SI unit" for determining how a marriage or a union between two people should be conducted. Those in love shouldn’t be limited by the fear of the unknown.

Gen Z isn't destroying marriage; we are auditing it. We are stripping away the performance, the societal pressure, and the toxic endurance metrics.

 If we choose to marry, it won't be because we need financial rescue or social status. It will be because we found a partner who respects our peace, heals with us, handles their baggage, and makes the heavy world feel a little bit lighter.